What do you want in your next partner and relationship?

Posted by John Aiken, RSVP dating and relationship expert on 3 May 2013 at 4:00 PM

It's very easy to simply get swept up in the moment when you fall for a new love interest. They can take your breath away, talk with you for days about anything and everything and the sexual chemistry can be overwhelming! You can spend hours on end thinking about them, contacting them through texts, phone calls and emails, and making plans to introduce them to your inner circle. 

But wait!

Before you go too far with all of this - take a moment to think about what you want from a relationship. What are your expectations and deal-breakers? Rather than just jumping in and seeing how things develop, it would be wise to first identify your relationship needs.

When you're clear about what's important to you in a relationship, then you make good romantic judgments, and don't waste your time with potential partners that aren't on the same page. 

The best time to evaluate your relationship expectations is when you're single. That way when you do date someone, you'll be armed with a clear knowledge about what you want and don't want in a relationship.

Ask yourself the following questions:

• Do I want a serious or casual relationship?
• How important is sex to me and how frequently do I want this?
• Where do I stand on monogamy and cheating?
• Do I want to be married and how many kids do I hope to have?
• What do I think makes for a good parent?
• How do I want to manage money in my relationship?
• How important is my career?
• What do I need in terms of communication and affection from my partner?
• How much does my partner need to get on with my friends and family?
• What importance do I place on health and fitness (e.g. exercise, drinking, diet, smoking, partying)?
• What are my core values around religion, spirituality, schooling, discipline, domestic roles, day-care, and commitment?

Once you know the answer to these questions, it's important to think about how you want to discuss these with a new love interest. Do you jump right in on the first date and get these out on the table or do you hold back and feel things out for a month or two?

I tend to think that this will depend on your age and stage in life. If you're young and there's no urgency about finding a long-term partner, then you may hold back on discussing some of your relationship expectations until several months into the relationship. Take things easy and gently bring these up as the trust builds.

However if you're older, and perhaps at a point in your life where you're looking to get serious and don't want to mess around with time, then you would get your relationship expectations out on the table sooner rather than later. Tell your new love interest what you need and want moving forward in a relationship and see if they're on the same page or not. 

It you have the same relationship expectations then push forward, it not, be polite and move on to other options.


John Aiken, RSVP dating and relationship expert, currently seen on Ch 7's the Morning Show, and author of the new book Making Couples Happy: How science can help get relationships back on track (www.johnaiken.com.au)